September

Every month I’m tempted to label it a ~ strange month ~ but I guess that’s just life as a sensitive girl moving through the world. I’ve been workshopping my word of the year for 2026 (early, I know) the last couple of weeks and we’ve got 2 strong contenders. SAVOUR. You can’t savour when you’re rushing - thanks for the call out Stace. And BIG. This one came to me this morning while laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, looking over at my vision board of 2025, it’s got a picture of Amy Taylor to represent being BIG. Being YOURSELF. To resist the feeling that I am too much, something I’ve been called (rare but enough to sting) and my most prevalent negative self talk. Anyway, strange week, strange month, strange life. Enjoy x

---

SPRING. It’s like 444 is following me everywhere.

She loves the small details, asks all the right questions. She’s why my bedroom’s always clean. Freshly picked lavender in a vase in the kitchen and a plan to start knitting. The way she experiences joy is unparalleled. She’s a warm hug, my bestie.

I hold tension in my body, but I feel hopeful. The protagonist in the movie explains that they can’t imagine themselves old, something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I kind of feel the veil lifting, like if I stay open I never know what could let itself in.

Being soft is:

• poppies by the couch, wattle on the dresser, wizz fizz on the bedside table

• Lazy days at home (so few and far between)

• A pillow under the knees all night

Been noticing that all the roses that have been cut bare in winter are the ones that are gearing up for the best blooms of spring, there’s something in that, I reckon.

My brother sends me a blurry video whipping around his new apartment, I watch it 3 times. He’s got a rug under the bed and the fancy sheets I bought for him on. He says it feels great and I agree.

Wanna be like a rat in a lab, give me all the tests, let Vic do brain surgery. What’s the prognosis??

Free bleeding on the 7hr drive home. 23 degrees of Pisces in Saturn. The return is not done with me. And I can tell, in the best way. I am strong, I am soft. The body keeps the score says the brain separates our experiences and how we feel and articulate them in two separate parts. It’s almost impossible to feel our emotions properly if we aren’t safe or are rushed. So much of this book is showing me that I’ve been intuitively moving through what my body needs to nurture and support myself. Slowing down, staying present, coming back to myself again and again. Knowing that what once kept me safe can be laid to rest now.

My uncle calls me 4 times on the drive to check in with how it’s going. He say’s he’s bought sparklers and sparkly things for the party, organised the big fire pit from next door - he has no idea how much that means to me. I froze up and let everyone else take the wheel and nothing went wrong.

Fell asleep on the couch with the footy blaring and Nan and Mum beside me. Nan asked what i wanted for my birthday and I said a kiss and my hair brushed. I came over this morning with wet hair and sat in her recliner, she stood behind me and grabbed her comb and said here’s your present. The cemetery is next door, just a quick walk to jump the fence and visit Pop, have a sit with him at sunset. I rub my thumb over the picture of him on his plaque, as close to a hug as we can get. Everyone says we had a special connection, even as memories blur I feel it and know it’s true.

Twister is on tv, it feels cosmic. Nan says you wouldn’t want to chase those, of course I do! It’s my dream! She says she’d rather chase a rainbow. I cackle, she’s the toughest woman I’ve ever known but if you sit with her long enough she’ll show you she’s soft.

H said he’s been noticing small details more lately, concentrating better, feeling present,  when I tell him the story behind the song that’s playing in the background, that he pointed out was weird.

A four leafed clover, a guardian angel, an amethyst for protection and following your intuition, my life is filled with tiny talisman from my mum. Finding meaning in everything, a token of her love

I forgot my headphones but Lucy’s playing in my head alongside conversations I’m rehearsing. Counting the wattle, thinking of the slow burn

Spray painted sheets taped up behind the bands. You can feel the care in the air.

Tail between my legs, wishing I was better than I am. Put the work in.

Catch a glimpse of our reflection, it feels like a window into the past. Except now, conversations flow more easily and we’re both where we’re meant to be.

With my spine aligned I wake up feeling more rested.

Every week I get to the weekend so exhausted I want to cancel all my plans. Body is screaming and I haven’t been listening.

I’ve been reading romance novels and scrolling on hinge again. A crush poking at my insides. Pass three weddings on the way to the wrong bar, it’s not for me, but I see the appeal. The bats are out, flying across the city skyline, devouring the fruits of the inner north. Their season, it’s always felt so romantic to me.

Fantasising about winning the lottery but all I’m spending it on is organising mums life.

Know the hallways of my brain like the back of my hand. Been lucid dreaming since I was 14. I’ve got all the shortcuts memorised, could outrun anyone in here.

Windswept and covered in sea spray. What’s your 100ft wave?

Long drives on a country roads feels like home. Straining your eyes to see unwelcome wildlife in the darkness at the shoulders, stay in your lane please. We soaked our bodies in minerals and returned home for the night to light the fire. How long would you last on alone? Hours. How long could you be completely alone? Weeks, maybe even only days.

Got plenty of guilt but non of its catholic, ok maybe some of it is.

Things ex’s/ex flings have given me:

• 42 minute ambient version of Wichita lineman

• A single bite of the crust of their pizza that they ate in front of me

• A foot fetish

• Many of my favourite albums

• An anatomical heart necklace to declare their love

• Disorganised attachment (I think that was actually my parents, but still)

• Chlamydia

• My love of spicy food

• My love of spicy sex

• The way I say hello

• Cowboy hat

• A reminder that the right people will treat you kindly and with care

Repeat after me: ITS ALL FOR FUN! Nothing is permanent!

Damn life reaaallyy coulda been a movie tonight but im tearing up and tagging ‘yearn’ on every light poll between smith and brunswick instead. At least my personal brand is strong

Little lizard sunning itself on the warm rocks next to me. Trying to figure out what I need in this moment, sitting with my muddy brain.

I joked about only eating beige foods as soon as I feel a single feeling, yesterday I said I hadn’t really eaten properly that day and felt yuck, Chloe asked what I’d had to eat. 2 packets of 2 minute noodles with tomato sauce, white bread toast with butter, chive and onion dip and cheese. Ridiculous how predictable my subconscious is. God I wish I grew up in a vegetables house.

Every morning I wake up, get up and make my bed. Fold my quilt made of memories, sewn by my love, and place it at the end of my bed. Open my blinds and sun my naked body with the light rising from the east. No matter the day, no matter the feeling.

Geese in my ears, sun on my skin, leg hairs blowing in the wind and enough cbd running through me to forget I’ve ever felt anxious

Dreamt of home. The perpetual chase of all my dreams, can’t remember who or why they were coming for me. Waking up in the middle of the night and thinking “this isn’t about whatever was happening, this is about the surgery” back to sleep and back in the same dream, kind of, this time I’m just at home trying to hide the contents of the pantry from whoever’s visiting. Awake now, realising how close it is, maybe a month or less to go but there’s no way to tell. And when there’s no way to tell there’s no way to make plans.

Turns out making a joke of your feelings is no joke at all.